Tuesday, August 30, 2016.
The title, you wonder? Attributable to me, “The Oh-Oh Moment.”
Poesey claims the rest.
(I am fifty-one years old. The moments in which I can claim ‘cuteness’ are numbered. So, grey kitten dancing on my laptop keys is, are seconds of adorable irritation aka cute).
I always turn to look at the sky or the stars or helicopters despite that fact I could possibly be walking in such a way as to make any onlooker wonder what concoction I might have been drinking. I used to stop myself from looking for that reason. Well, that is pretty much ancient history! I do have some common sense as not looking up when perhaps, I am crossing daytime traffic on Main Street. But even that I cannot guarantee.
I love those ‘A-ha’ discoveries that cause me to feel like Miss Smartie Pants of the Universe.
(Even at fifty-one).
But I have noticed lately that as I look back on the path of my life to search for depth and understanding, I am a bit of a blockhead. I could spin that quality into the noblest of terms of persistence, defiance, and stubbornness. When I am eighty, I might even describe those moments with wistful looks and words of cuteness. (I sort of doubt that). I also know I could justify those parts of the journey of life as parts of G-d’s will for my experience. I actually believe that. But, I have to believe there is something more…
Two hours into my day at work and I ache to go outside. My job is wonderful, but I long for the walks which split my day into pauses of the mind, stretching the bones and muscles of my legs and re-filling my lungs with air filtered by the respiration of leaves and green grass. Twice daily at work I walk and if excused from the need to return phone calls and messages of my own, I let my mind just drift.
I wonder at carrying the load of ones past even if it was not ones load to carry. I let myself think random thoughts and pray random prayers as I walk hoping that I am not humming too loudly, then wondering if I really cared if I was, then concluding no one does really care if you hum, Steph.
I wonder at how long I have used G-d as an excuse. No, I know it’s harsh, but there is a point in which G-d’s will ends and my responsibility begins. I don’t think any of it is the point. What I do think matters is what you do with it. What I do think matters is knowing that despite how many times I have been wrong, been wronged or was mistaken, G-d is there. The ‘Oh oh’ moment. In fact I need to correct that quantity. Those moments number in the innumerable.
I was halfway around my daily walking route outside when I wondered about the rest of my path. I had never lived with the freedom of my own curiosity. I had never danced to my own heartbeat. How easy it had been to not own my life. How easy it had been to excuse myself of responsibility because I refused to acknowledge that I did not know.
I cornered the northwest part of my outside walk, beginning the return to work. I marveled at how long I treated my life as a consolation. When did I learn that? Why on earth, under the stars and by the moonlight, would I ever feel a need to constantly judge myself? If it is true that good energy brings good, bad energy brings out bad in people, then would it not stand to reason that the judged brings out the judge?
As I came upon my entrance to return to work my head was occupied with mental lists of to-do projects and the balancing of accounts . My ramblings and walk had cleared my head with another daring idea and my soul became intrigued.
It is a magical, meaningful life.
#theohohmoment #lifebeautifuljourney # imjustmeandsoareyou #thebrickdandelion