June 12, 2016

Yes, I can count.  The date? June 12, 2016, on a most fabulous of Sundays, the perfect beginning of a new week and the ending, the day after, the sultry beating of the first ninety degree day in Wisconsin.  The heat made the greens expand into a rainbow all their own.  Still the summer days grow longer.  We long for this time of year, faithfully persisting through the blizzards of winters which often extend past the calendar dates of spring and knock on our doors before Thanksgiving.  Yep.  This is what we wait for.

I am finding my own rhythms to life as well.  Nothing new and nothing terribly groundbreaking, except to me, as I live life.  But to me, I am realizing, that it is these ordinary steps in ones journey which makes my life feel like an incredible path unfolding.  Again, I am not along some glittery diamond-crusted path to the wizard…. or are we all not doing just that?  Post divorce I have found the joy of savoring each bite, each step, as if that particular step was unique unto itself.  Truthfully it is.  The changes though are mindblowing in the quantity even though, again I am not solving the world’s problems here, but the changes are quite ordinary.

But I let them happen.  Maybe that is the difference in my life now – why it unravels as a mysterious path, always beckoning to go forward.  Make it positive.  Take the positive step.  Fuzzy brain at the moment?  Tired?  Rest.  Pause.  Pray.  Have faith that the next step will be lit when you are ready to resume stepping forward.  It seems the most natural of courses.

Speaking of nature….

Isn’t he the most gorgeous of creatures?  (I know…anthropomorphism and gender bias…and yes, I did have to look up the spelling of that word).  Eve.  Last Sunday before the storm hit, I rushed to get even half the lawn mowed because I earlier scowled at neighbors who were mowing early morning… I learned I was the doofus because, hmmm, I would have had my lawn complete had I not joined them.  “Listen, Steph, listen.”  Anyway, as I am rushing with the blades of my Rufus (yes, I did name the lawnmower because now I will take care of him..), this lovely toad jumped to escape my grasp.  The chase was on.  You can tell how pleased he is…

Yeah.  I am ….. twelve.  Seriously.  I have discovered that although my adult responsibilities as mother, businessowner, and a fifty-year old woman, internally I am…twelve.  I am quite certain there exists a deeply-rooted psychological disturbance somewhere inside of me, but my response to such inquiry… “Tough.”  I am, most times, quite happy.  Toads and all.

I do know the moment exactly when I thought of “27.”  We will label that one “private”, hmm? I am not proud of this activity, but I wrote a list.  In the last two weeks I have been gathering up the stacks of dusty papers, receipts, and documents to prepare for my visit to the accountant. (There has never been a promise of a journey of total fantasy….)  My brain wrestles with the complexity of business supplemental forms, the schedules to account for the accounting of movement of accounts (seriously, not kidding) and the organization of flow from business to personal.  My gut churned with each stack.  At times I felt like a detective putting the pieces together of not a crime, but a great mystery of 2015.  At times I fell to my knees crying, not due to the devastation of a prior life, but how messy not just one year was, but how many years were.

I found bits and pieces of my life strewn in my basement with photographs back when photos were ordered and printed.  I found stacks of clothing familiar to any woman who has gone through pregnancy and the various sizes she bears in a lifetime. Filtered in, as if bookmarked, were pieces of 2015.  It was like finding yourself disemboweled in a twenty-eight by fifty-two foot space.  Do you really try to find each part of yourself to become whole?  Yes, yes you do.  Or at least, I need to.  But I shortly realized that although I need to examine each piece, not each one is necessary.

My mind always carried the short order list of the times when, I felt nothing short of pure Divine Intervention which I personally call ‘G~d’, saved me.  That short order was five:  Being suddenly fired from my job, a divorce, a building whose parapets nearly collapsed, and I will label the rest as “the rest”.  Five.   They were all my mind could wrap itself around.  

As I grabbed each stack from downstairs, the picture clarified.  I sat down to make my list.  I am not proud of the activity because I wish not to tempt those winds or dive back into those waters, but I started to remember.  Beginning with the receipts from the veterinarian, I remembered that my dog had lost nearly twenty pounds.  He was sick.  All those parts of my life which I thought were being taken care of, not only included me, but my family as well.  Selfishly I only saw myself.  I did not see the physical evidence of what was happening to my son and my dog.  And on it went.  A whole year…

Twenty-seven.

I listed twenty-seven experiences which alone would have crumbled me.  Jokingly I look at it like G~d’s firing round or lightning round lessons of faith.  Not one.  Not five – the short list.  But twenty-seven on a list which took me ten minutes to write.  Even now I shake and cry with shame only because I am awestruck at my life today born out of the continual storms in one year.  I have heard repetitively of G~d’s love, but the love and faith to guide me through, not five, but twenty-seven times? (Side note:  While lawnmowing I realized the list of twenty-seven did not even include three traumatic events of prior years… I will stick with twenty-seven).

Twenty-seven times I cried.  Twenty-seven times I panicked. Twenty-seven times I was frightened to falling on my knees in prayer.  Twenty-seven times I faced either situations by my own design or lack thereof or situations that “happen” – aka life – which I could not see the conclusion.  

Twenty-seven. Not five. Twenty-seven.

I am smart, but not that smart.  I am a tad crafty and resourceful.  I am definitely not clever.  But faithful?  Full of faith?  I had no clue.  I had no idea.  

I used to think of how I will know when I have earned success.  With the storms I learned…

I will never earn what is already there…

Thank you, G~d.  

Love and Blessings to you all.  Know your Spirit. Keep the Faith.

yours truly,

steph 

(Oh yeah, I have learned three more things…(1) Smile.  It’s a grand journey, and (2) When faced with even the slightest uncomfortable situations no matter who or what – and I mean no matter who or what – my trump card I hold close to my heart… the list of twenty-seven gives me Grace…I happened by that lesson by accident, but it works….very well.  No matter what or who, G~d saved me step by step.  Not short order. Nope.  Twenty-seven times.  G~d is not pie.  We all get our own version of twenty-seven. (3) Cumulative effect:  I needed all twenty-seven to fight my biggest foe. Me.  Taxes, Steph, taxes..) 

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