May 31, 2016

How is it possible, I wondered, that all these years, perhaps just as important as the stars, I never noticed the beauty of my beloved sentinel trees kissed by the waking sunlight?  My own little part of the world rolling out of slumber into the rising day…. It was lovely, the warmth, the last snuggle in the blanket of night.  Grey skies softening into blue with the nudge to wake up.  Okay, I will stop.  It really isn’t that romantic.  Sun equals alarm clock.  Eventually your feet have to hit the floor, you know?

Ah, but the green and gold!  There isn’t a Wisconsin woman who does not own a battered, favorite sweatshirt/t-shirt/jersey of the Packers, the one which looks good whether it has sat crumpled in a corner for two weeks or fresh out of the dryer.  Mine is a jersey with paint stains and marks of indiscriminate splatters of bleach.  Green and gold. (Okay, I’m a Browns fan…different story….)

 

The Memorial Day grill-out?  Went well.  I handed over the spatula when ex-hubby decided to show me how to grill.  A year ago I would have staunchly denied the help from him, declaring my independence and superiority over ground beef and wieners.  Yeah, like that whole point has not been done to death.  Besides a) I have a whole summer to perfect my grilling technique and b)there is some male drive to demonstrate grilling finesse.  So the world turns.  

Just no baking a cake in my kitchen. Um no.  I have my boundaries.

The hardest moments were those of my kitchen putterings, as my mom and my ex conversed.  In years past, my father and I would talk or just be.  About nothing.  It is those times of nothing that, even as they were happening, I knew were the best of times.  Oh, he and I would, grandstand a bit with each other. (A little b.s. goes a long way!)  And we would roll our eyes.  Nonsense.  This was the first gathering that it hit me.  I was not sure why until later.  I’m learning how to live – I get a chance to live.  But in that moment of realization of living one’s life you, paradoxically (again, that word!) remember the deaths of parts of your life.  The ends. The end.

I did not realize it until recently that I thought I would return to being a mother to a ten year old boy.  No, he is sixteen.  There is no going back.  There is only now.  There is no erase.  But it is okay.  Sad, but okay.  I got to choose.  I chose life – I never have to fight again.  I do not ever have to argue.  I do not ever have to engage in naggary.  I can also say good-bye to that part of me.  Nobodys fault but my own that I ever stooped that low to act like that, but….well, my marriage?  That is another story too.

Which brings me to today.  I used to tell my students that G-d’s love is not like cherry pie.  There are not just so many pieces.  So too, I wondered today about the good things in life.  Fortunately, Really fortunately I might add, I have the luxury of even thinking about such things.  But good things in life are not pie either.  If good happens to me, it does not take away from anyone else.  Who would think such a thing?  Why would I wish bad on another human being?

What if it all blends together? Kind of like a ‘sloppy joe’ of good stuff. Potato salad… (Okay, now I’m just hungry).  Seriously though,  what if the good stuff in life invited us along..”come, come….It’s good…” or, better yet:  You go do your good stuff, I will do mine and then let’s grab a beer and talk about good stuff.  (Ok, now I am a … redneck?)

…………………………..

Yep, I know.  None of the above makes any sense, but I am leaving it upon the theory that the best conversations are about nothing at all.  The good nothings…

There is no promise of the kiss of morning.  Then again, maybe there is.

(wink)

Love and Blessings,

steph

Maybe the vows of remembrance from a day before are just as vital in each minute we live;  in the honor we bring to today from those memories of yesterday. 

#divorceandrecovery #thebeautifuljourney #imjustme #beautifulnothings #greenandgold #thekissofmorning